Note to self:

You fear that life is fixed, static, and altogether less than you once imagined.  Your fears are affirmed the more you live by them.  You have heard it all before and nothing is fresh. 

No!  The cage you have built around you can be broken.  The weeds you have allowed to choke you can be outgrown – if not altogether removed – until they no longer bother you.  So much more is possible than you can now see.  Acknowledge your blindness.  Let go of control, let go of reshaping the world to your narrow perspective.  Accept you are small so that you can embrace something bigger.

Reject your inclination towards comfort, predictability and the absence of challenge.  It is false hope.  It is not the security and peace that you long for.  It is death!  Choose life – to live is to grow – with all the risk that involves.  To grow is to become who you are, to flourish – not striving to be what you think you should be. 

But you feel so small; you tried to grow by stretching the little that you have, until you gave up, exhausted.  Let the shape you have take up til now die, as the seed has to die so that all it’s potential can come to life.  Lay down all that you hold so tight. Choose to hope.  Let the light in.

But HOW?  These are just empty words.  No they aren’t.  Listen, start here: choose to hope

Choose to be thankful.  You can.  You are not a victim.  You can still choose.  The breaking of the seed, this is the breaking of the dry and constrictive shell of the habits of thought you have formed.  It might hurt but you CAN choose to break it. 

Start by being thankful for all the small things.  The things right here right now.  Life begins here, now in the midst of your brokenness and weakness.  Because you CAN find good in this dark world, and if you really look you will see life springing up all around you.  And within you.  In the midst of the mess.  This is not false optimism.  It is not denying the hurt, the darkness.  It is just redressing the balance.  Because goodness is real too.  And wouldn’t it be better to stare intently at the light, small as it may be, instead of the darkness?

Root out the bitterness.  Remind yourself of the former things, the things that once gave you life.  Look forward to the things to come that you can’t yet imagine and let yourself dream again.  Give.  Be the flower that opens up to the sun and to passers by, fragile but beautiful, not the closed bud, tight, safe, but unfulfilled.

Perhaps I am being an idealist. 

Why not be an idealist? 

Perhaps, when you have laid everything down, you will be able to pick it up again with a looser grip that sets it free it in ways you can’t imagine.  Or perhaps your open hands will grasp new things that clenched fists couldn’t hold. 

Don’t think of arrival but adventure.  It may take time.  Growth takes time.  To live is to grow!